Careers in Real Life

A few weeks ago I was at a wedding and was bullied into participating in the whole throw-the-bouquet-to-all-the-supposedly-desperate-single-ladies routine. The DJ went through the crowd badgering all the women about their marital status. When I said I wasn’t single, but couldn’t “prove it” with a diamond, he said my relationship didn’t count. (Because, apparently, this guy gets to decide who’s relationship counts. I’m guessing then, if you’re gay and live in a state that doesn’t allow gay marriage, your love and commitment doesn’t count, either). He went so far as to grab the chair of my brother’s date and literally drag her on to the dance floor. How is that acceptable? (Answer: it’s not).

I have issues with a lot of wedding traditions, but my main problem with this DJ (and most I’ve encountered) and this tradition in particular is that he made two huge assumptions about the ladies in attendance: 1) We’re all desperately hoping to get married and this is our top, if not only, priority in life, and 2) We’re all straight. For our humiliation playing into his assumptions, he rewarded one of us with the “ultimate” prize [insert eye roll here]: a dance with the lucky single guy who had the “honor” of catching the garter. How awkward a prize is that? Give me a real prize, like a work promotion or an all-expenses paid vacation, and then we’ll talk.

The DJ’s assumptions alienated those of us who didn’t feel the same way he does (and most of society, for that matter) about a (sexist and heterosexist) tradition. After I got over being angry (I’m over it, I swear. Obviously, right?), I realized that, for this guy, these assumptions and his behavior are usually accepted and normalized in his wedding-DJ-world. All of us have a worldview shaped by our lived experiences and the people to whom we’re exposed. This DJ has probably been exposed to a gazillion hetero weddings and lots of guests who are all too happy to comply with archaic traditions and the demands of the Chicken Dance.

But that doesn’t get this DJ off the hook. We all go to work with our unique filters, ways of making sense of the world and our idea of “normal”. So often, we impose these ideas on others without even noticing. The result? Workplaces in which employees in the minority, however defined, feel excluded and trust is lost.

How does this happen? It’s the co-workers who ask their colleague how he or she is going to celebrate Christmas, assuming that person is Christian. It’s asking a male colleague if his date last weekend had a nice rack because it’s assumed he’s straight (and that women should be judged based on how they look). It’s assuming a Black co-worker must know a lot about hip hop. It’s asking the newly married woman in your office when, not if, she plans to have kids.

Think before you speak. Be mindful of the impact of words and actions, not just the intent.

I’m a fan of workplace affinity groups and other efforts to retain diverse talent. When done well, they can provide support and advocacy for employees who identify with an underrepresented group(s). That’s not enough, though. To be good co-workers and more effective workplaces, we all have to examine our own biases and be conscious of when and how we might be inflicting our worldview on others. Don’t toss your bouquet to someone who’s going to let it hit them in the face.